You Know You're A Midwife If...
You know that a fetoscope does not measure shoe size
If your tires are going bald faster than your husband.
If you think the only use for forceps is as salad tongs.
If you think that a "tail back " is a new birthing position.
If you know that cesearean is not a salad.
If your idea of a vacation is taking a car ride outside your beeper range.
If you know that a pinard horn is not a type of musical instrument.
If you think the only way to measure centimeters is by spreading your fingers.
If you get more calls from ladies with broken water than the local plumber.
If you've ever run out of gas and used a breast pump and a catheter as a siphon.
If you've ever used cord-clamps as a hair curler
If you've used cord-clamps to barette your daughter's hair.
If you've ever used a speculum to put on a tight pair of shoes.
If you can eat cherry jello while watching a birth film.
If you talk about yeast infections like they're dairy products.
If you've ever put on a latex glove to stuff a turkey.
If you have more hemostats in your glove box than a Dead Head.
If you think "Deliverance" is a childbirth movie.
If you refer to your beeper as "my home phone".
If you discuss meconium with your family at the dinner table.
If you know that perineal support is not a kind of stocking.
You consider a pair of black Birkenstocks "formal wear".
If you realize that "breeches" are not a Southern man's trousers.
If you know that ultrasound is not a fancy stereo.
If you've ever stopped on your way to a birth and someone has looked at your car and asked, "are you moving?".
If you've ever gotten out of a speeding ticket by actually showing the state trooper a placenta.
If you thought the movie "Catch 22" was a story about a month in a very busy midwife's life.
If your idea of a color-coordinated birthing outfit is matching the bloodstains on your sweatshirt with the bloodstains on your sweatpants.
Thanks to Catharine Miller, L.M. for sharing this piece.